I have figured out this complex that I have.
I do things to make myself miserable. It is not that I do not want to be happy, it is just that I do not know how to handle myself when the situation arises.
I purposefully make myself miserable.
This is why I try to stay friends with the girls that broke my heart. This is why I watch episodes of the Office or Scrubs that mimic my short comings with females. This is why I listen to that goddamn Fake Problems song over and over and over and over and over again.
This is why I am rooting for the Rockies for this world series. Because I know there is no way that they can possibly win.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
on Steroids and HGH
There is an ongoing conversation in all of Professional Spots that will never, ever, go away: the use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Marion Jones just plead guilty to the use of steroids and returned her 5 gold medals. Shawn Meriman was suspended for four games during the 2006 NFL season for testing positive for steroids (but was allowed to play in the Pro-Bowl, for some reason). Anyone with half a brain is pretty certain that Barry Bonds was juicing during most of his career, and whoever the fuck Floyd Landis is got stripped of some jersey award thing for biking across France, or something. Essentially, every great monument and record and achievement in sports history is now under a giant asterisk. We can never be certain who is on steroids and who is not, so assholes like Jay Mariotti and myself will always assume that when any great batter puts up record setting numbers, or some quarterback has a career year, they somehow did it in a disingenuous way.
What makes this issue even worse is that as testing become mandatory for professional sports, new forms of getting an edge start to show up. When baseball began testing for steroids, Human Growth Hormones became the hot commodity. Once pro sports find a way to combat that, some new form of inhuman body growth will show up. This is an uphill battle that will never be won, which is very sad for the honest and genuine players who work and train hard, but are simply left in the dust of those willing to cut corners to get a bigger edge.
There is only one way to combat this, and the answer is simple: make steroids and HGH mandatory for every sport. All of ‘em. Even soccer.
I don’t drink or do any drugs. This often inhibits my ability to have a good time in a social situation, simply because my brain is not numbed by substances. Always being sober means that things that are only fun when drunk or otherwise intoxicated simply suck all the time. However, this is the life I have chosen for myself, and therefore can never rightfully bitch about having a dull time when at some shitty party or bar. This is exactly how I feel about sports players who complain about the use of steroids honoring dirty players while hardworking genuine players are left in the dust. Nobody is forcing you not to take them. If you feel everyone has an unfair advantage, well, then, catch up mon ami.
The problem is that steroids and illegal performance enhancing drugs are never going anywhere. The only way to level the playing field is to make that shit mandatory. I say if you are caught without and steroids or HGH in your bloodstream, then you are suspended for half the season and docked serious pay. Think about it: pitchers would be throwing 115 mile an hour fastballs and sinkers the borrow into home-plate. Kickers would be kicking 75+ yard field goals. It would be like living in a world where being fucked up or otherwise intoxicated was the law; It would just be one giant fucking party.
So throw out the rule books. Give Marion Jones her medals back for whatever dumb track and field event she won five Gold Medals in the Olympics for. Embrace Barry Bonds and Mark MacGuire and Sammy Sosa. I want to see pitchers with fastballs that will knock catchers on their asses. I want to see home-run balls that fly into new zip codes. I want leadoff batters to knock 50 home runs and steal 50 plus basses (before the all-star break!). I want to see 95 yard touchdown passes and linebackers that decapitate quarterbacks. I want the Joey Haringtons of the world to not suck. I want Steve fucking Nash to slam dunk from beyond the three-point line. I want soccer to fucking be interesting to watch.
All professional sports owe it to their fans and their viewers to present the most entertaining and fair game possible. This is the only way to make both of these a reality.
I mean, seriously, wouldn’t it be fucking cool to see Nash slam one from just short of half-court?
What makes this issue even worse is that as testing become mandatory for professional sports, new forms of getting an edge start to show up. When baseball began testing for steroids, Human Growth Hormones became the hot commodity. Once pro sports find a way to combat that, some new form of inhuman body growth will show up. This is an uphill battle that will never be won, which is very sad for the honest and genuine players who work and train hard, but are simply left in the dust of those willing to cut corners to get a bigger edge.
There is only one way to combat this, and the answer is simple: make steroids and HGH mandatory for every sport. All of ‘em. Even soccer.
I don’t drink or do any drugs. This often inhibits my ability to have a good time in a social situation, simply because my brain is not numbed by substances. Always being sober means that things that are only fun when drunk or otherwise intoxicated simply suck all the time. However, this is the life I have chosen for myself, and therefore can never rightfully bitch about having a dull time when at some shitty party or bar. This is exactly how I feel about sports players who complain about the use of steroids honoring dirty players while hardworking genuine players are left in the dust. Nobody is forcing you not to take them. If you feel everyone has an unfair advantage, well, then, catch up mon ami.
The problem is that steroids and illegal performance enhancing drugs are never going anywhere. The only way to level the playing field is to make that shit mandatory. I say if you are caught without and steroids or HGH in your bloodstream, then you are suspended for half the season and docked serious pay. Think about it: pitchers would be throwing 115 mile an hour fastballs and sinkers the borrow into home-plate. Kickers would be kicking 75+ yard field goals. It would be like living in a world where being fucked up or otherwise intoxicated was the law; It would just be one giant fucking party.
So throw out the rule books. Give Marion Jones her medals back for whatever dumb track and field event she won five Gold Medals in the Olympics for. Embrace Barry Bonds and Mark MacGuire and Sammy Sosa. I want to see pitchers with fastballs that will knock catchers on their asses. I want to see home-run balls that fly into new zip codes. I want leadoff batters to knock 50 home runs and steal 50 plus basses (before the all-star break!). I want to see 95 yard touchdown passes and linebackers that decapitate quarterbacks. I want the Joey Haringtons of the world to not suck. I want Steve fucking Nash to slam dunk from beyond the three-point line. I want soccer to fucking be interesting to watch.
All professional sports owe it to their fans and their viewers to present the most entertaining and fair game possible. This is the only way to make both of these a reality.
I mean, seriously, wouldn’t it be fucking cool to see Nash slam one from just short of half-court?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Categorizing Baseball Fans
As far as I am concerned, every single person on this planet can be placed into one of the following categories of baseball fans. I think these categories can overflow from sport to sport, but, for now, lets just apply them to Americas Favorite Past Time.
I am not joking when I say this. Every single person can be placed into one of the following 7 categories of fan. I use specific fans to describe each of the categories, but said categories are not specific to each team.
1. The “Non-Fan.”
This kind of “fan” is usually a female an/or a person who never played any team sport as a kid (except for maybe soccer). These are the people who come to Superbowl Parties because they like the commercials. They have no idea what an ERA is, and they will genuinely enjoy watching the Home Run Derby.
2. the Quasi-Fan
These are fans that sort of know a little bit about everything going on in the world of Major League Baseball, but would much rather watch a NASCAR race or the PGA Tour.
3. The non-New York resident New York Yankee Fan.
Read: Fairweather fan. Although to be fair, since their World Series championship in 2004, the Boston Red Sox have sort of become the new New York Yankees. These are fans that hold no allegiance to any team or city or player, they simply root for the sure thing. They don’t care about a team’s performance throughout the year, they simply pick a team that has a pretty good chance to make it to the post-season and root for them once there. These people are “fans” in the loosest sense of the term.
4. The Toronto Blue Jay’s Fan
I only picked the Blue Jays to categorize this type of fan because of personal history. These people are a special kind of Non-Fan, in that they don’t give a shit about the sport until an entering a conversation with an avid sports fan. Once engaged in this conversation, this type of fan will begin to simply pull against and oppose everything the avid fan cheers for. If you are an avid sports fan is pulling for the Anaheim Angels in the 2002 World Series, then this type of person will immediately beings to pull for the San Francisco Giants, and will probably profess in the process that Barry Bonds isn’t on steroids. These fans are usually under the age of 8, or at least act like an 8 year old at the age of 25.
5. The 2005 Chicago White Sox Fan.
These are fans that hold some sort of mild allegiance to a team, but only when said team is on a hot streak. These are the people that mocked you for talking sports with your friends, but once the home team makes a run at World Series greatness, they are hosting World Series parties. And once said team has fallen off their hot streak, or in the case of the 2005 White Sox, actually won the whole thing, these are the fans that return to their life of dismissing professional sports. Until the team makes another run, which is when the process begins all over again. These fans will go to see their home teams home games, and cheer valiantly, but would not be able to tell you the who the set up man or closer in their pitching staff is.
6. The Dream Team Fan
These are fans that hold a strong allegiance with a team (usually their home team), but are much more concerned with individual performance. If the home team is in a slump, or quite obviously not going to make the post-season, they begin to pull for the teams that have their favorite players. These people can spit out more stats and baseball history than you know what to do with. These are people that generally think that Barry Bonds in an asshole, and, not coincidently, hate the type of fan categorized by numbers 1-5.
7. The Avid Atlanta Braves Fan.
This is the fan that will stick by their team no matter what. These were the select few that actually paid to see the Florida Marlins during their last home stand in the 2007. Nothing will turn these fans against their home team, even if moving to another major baseball market. They pull for and love their team, regardless if they are in first or last place. Consequently, these types of fans usually have back-up teams that they pull for when their actual favorite team is not performing well. These backup teams however are always in a different division (often different league) as their actual favorite team, and if the two were to play, this fan would hope that their actual favorite team would fucking destroy their backup team.
This is no lie. Every single person fits in perfectly into one of the above 7 categories. I don’t thing there is one person I have ever met that I have watched a baseball game with or engaged in a 30 minute conversation about baseball with that I could not peg into one of the above eight categories. Think about it the next time you talk to someone about baseball. I guarantee that they will fit perfectly into one of the above 7.
I am not joking when I say this. Every single person can be placed into one of the following 7 categories of fan. I use specific fans to describe each of the categories, but said categories are not specific to each team.
1. The “Non-Fan.”
This kind of “fan” is usually a female an/or a person who never played any team sport as a kid (except for maybe soccer). These are the people who come to Superbowl Parties because they like the commercials. They have no idea what an ERA is, and they will genuinely enjoy watching the Home Run Derby.
2. the Quasi-Fan
These are fans that sort of know a little bit about everything going on in the world of Major League Baseball, but would much rather watch a NASCAR race or the PGA Tour.
3. The non-New York resident New York Yankee Fan.
Read: Fairweather fan. Although to be fair, since their World Series championship in 2004, the Boston Red Sox have sort of become the new New York Yankees. These are fans that hold no allegiance to any team or city or player, they simply root for the sure thing. They don’t care about a team’s performance throughout the year, they simply pick a team that has a pretty good chance to make it to the post-season and root for them once there. These people are “fans” in the loosest sense of the term.
4. The Toronto Blue Jay’s Fan
I only picked the Blue Jays to categorize this type of fan because of personal history. These people are a special kind of Non-Fan, in that they don’t give a shit about the sport until an entering a conversation with an avid sports fan. Once engaged in this conversation, this type of fan will begin to simply pull against and oppose everything the avid fan cheers for. If you are an avid sports fan is pulling for the Anaheim Angels in the 2002 World Series, then this type of person will immediately beings to pull for the San Francisco Giants, and will probably profess in the process that Barry Bonds isn’t on steroids. These fans are usually under the age of 8, or at least act like an 8 year old at the age of 25.
5. The 2005 Chicago White Sox Fan.
These are fans that hold some sort of mild allegiance to a team, but only when said team is on a hot streak. These are the people that mocked you for talking sports with your friends, but once the home team makes a run at World Series greatness, they are hosting World Series parties. And once said team has fallen off their hot streak, or in the case of the 2005 White Sox, actually won the whole thing, these are the fans that return to their life of dismissing professional sports. Until the team makes another run, which is when the process begins all over again. These fans will go to see their home teams home games, and cheer valiantly, but would not be able to tell you the who the set up man or closer in their pitching staff is.
6. The Dream Team Fan
These are fans that hold a strong allegiance with a team (usually their home team), but are much more concerned with individual performance. If the home team is in a slump, or quite obviously not going to make the post-season, they begin to pull for the teams that have their favorite players. These people can spit out more stats and baseball history than you know what to do with. These are people that generally think that Barry Bonds in an asshole, and, not coincidently, hate the type of fan categorized by numbers 1-5.
7. The Avid Atlanta Braves Fan.
This is the fan that will stick by their team no matter what. These were the select few that actually paid to see the Florida Marlins during their last home stand in the 2007. Nothing will turn these fans against their home team, even if moving to another major baseball market. They pull for and love their team, regardless if they are in first or last place. Consequently, these types of fans usually have back-up teams that they pull for when their actual favorite team is not performing well. These backup teams however are always in a different division (often different league) as their actual favorite team, and if the two were to play, this fan would hope that their actual favorite team would fucking destroy their backup team.
This is no lie. Every single person fits in perfectly into one of the above 7 categories. I don’t thing there is one person I have ever met that I have watched a baseball game with or engaged in a 30 minute conversation about baseball with that I could not peg into one of the above eight categories. Think about it the next time you talk to someone about baseball. I guarantee that they will fit perfectly into one of the above 7.
the Mendoza Line. A Quasi-Manifesto (of Sorts).
In all honesty, Professional Sports are completely useless. I have said before that when taken at face value, Professional Sports and Sports Stars should not be taken seriously (or viewed, really) by anyone. Examine the premise: Baseball players, Football Players, Basketball Players and David Beckham all get paid millions of dollars to play a kids game. The only other “profession” (term used very loosely) that I find to be more worthless and self serving is the modeling industry[1]. Alex Rodriguez makes more money for playing 162 games of baseball a year than probably the entire yearly salary of every educator in Cobb County, GA combined. Agreed, professional sports stars are of a very select kill type; not everyone can grow up to be a great third baseman. But, come on, it is not 28 millions dollars a year select. Seriously, fuck these people.
Having said that, however, I absolutely love professional sports.
The only time Professional Sports are worth any social value is when we examine them within the “big picture.” That is to say, when we examine these great sports events within a sociological context. And this happens all the time. In 1974, Hank Aaron knocking home-runs was without a doubt something more than some guy hitting baseballs, just like how this year Barry Bonds chasing Aaron’s home-run record definitely symbolizes something greater than sports fans affinity for the long ball. Dan Marino’s entire career is an allegory for the average workingman; Marino is the greatest football player ever to be known for what he didn’t do. He never won the big prize, but, I am sure his life is still turning out quite alright. We may never be the rockstars or Hollywood icons or astronauts we wished to be when we were kids, but, I suppose if we work hard enough, it will all turn out alright and our lives will be worth mentioning.
This years MLB postseason is cracking up to be something incredibly special. The National League Championship Series starts on Thursday, and I am fairly certain that at the beginning of the season (and possibly at the All Star break), NO ONE picked the Colorado Rockies or the Arizona Diamondbacks to be fighting for a spot in the World Series. These are two teams that embody the true underdog spirit. The Rockies were faced with one of the most monumental of uphill battles as the season came to a close: they had to win 14 of their last 15 games just to even have a shot at making the post-season. There is no better of an example of a true underdog putting their head down and barreling through the competition. A team that NO ONE gave any kind of chance, with a roster with absolutely no star power, is now on (arguably) the hottest streak in the history of baseball and poised on the verge of getting to play on the biggest stage of them all. I don’t think I need to explain the metaphorical nature of all of this.
Forget Britney Spears, if someone wants to learn a lesson in self-destruction and monumental collapses, look no further than the 2007 New York Mets. The team with the third or fourth highest paid roster in the MLB, chalked full of veteran talent, held a 7 game lead over the Philadelphia Phillies with 17 games left to play in the regular season! All they needed to do was to play 500 ball and they would have easily secured a playoff berth. Instead, the Mets imploded in on themselves. They got cocky; Manager Willie Randolph is now famously (and ironically) quoted s saying that “When we sip champagne later on, it’ll be a little sweeter.” They are now a team in shambles, with all the money spent on all the veteran talent quite literally going right down the drain.
These are not the only instances of great sociological stories in sports. The 2006 New York Giants making the Playoffs is a perfect example of a team getting something they completely did not deserve, while hardworking and generally talented and deserving teams like the Green Bay packers caught the raw end of the deal. However, The Giants subsequent first round loss to the Philadelphia Eagles serves as a pretty good example of a team getting exactly what they deserve (in the negative sense). Steve Nash and the Phoenix Sun’s constant rivalry with Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs is the classic David versus Goliath, Good versus evil scenario.
I think as a society, we are a group of people who look to different mediums to explain “the Big Picture.” We are constantly looking for outward visualizations of our inward consciousness. This is fact is not debatable, or else pop-music and movies and television would not exist. Anything that expresses any kind of genuine emotion is certainly more than entertainment. I just happen to think that Professional Sports may be the best way to outwardly express everything that is going on in the world. I know for a fact that when Hank Aaron began to chase down the Babe’s All-Time Homerun record he wasn’t on a mission of symbolizing triumph under turmoil (especially with racial tensions), but that doesn’t mean we can simply negate the significance of any and every great moment in Sports history. Figuring out what these moments in Professional Sports mean is not some kind of rocket science; it is merely social awareness.
This is why I do not trust anyone who says they hate sports. Or perhaps I just think about this stuff way too much.
Probably the latter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1) There is a fine line between “modeling” and the people you see in Target Catalogs.
Obviously, I am talking about Tyra Banks and etc here.
Having said that, however, I absolutely love professional sports.
The only time Professional Sports are worth any social value is when we examine them within the “big picture.” That is to say, when we examine these great sports events within a sociological context. And this happens all the time. In 1974, Hank Aaron knocking home-runs was without a doubt something more than some guy hitting baseballs, just like how this year Barry Bonds chasing Aaron’s home-run record definitely symbolizes something greater than sports fans affinity for the long ball. Dan Marino’s entire career is an allegory for the average workingman; Marino is the greatest football player ever to be known for what he didn’t do. He never won the big prize, but, I am sure his life is still turning out quite alright. We may never be the rockstars or Hollywood icons or astronauts we wished to be when we were kids, but, I suppose if we work hard enough, it will all turn out alright and our lives will be worth mentioning.
This years MLB postseason is cracking up to be something incredibly special. The National League Championship Series starts on Thursday, and I am fairly certain that at the beginning of the season (and possibly at the All Star break), NO ONE picked the Colorado Rockies or the Arizona Diamondbacks to be fighting for a spot in the World Series. These are two teams that embody the true underdog spirit. The Rockies were faced with one of the most monumental of uphill battles as the season came to a close: they had to win 14 of their last 15 games just to even have a shot at making the post-season. There is no better of an example of a true underdog putting their head down and barreling through the competition. A team that NO ONE gave any kind of chance, with a roster with absolutely no star power, is now on (arguably) the hottest streak in the history of baseball and poised on the verge of getting to play on the biggest stage of them all. I don’t think I need to explain the metaphorical nature of all of this.
Forget Britney Spears, if someone wants to learn a lesson in self-destruction and monumental collapses, look no further than the 2007 New York Mets. The team with the third or fourth highest paid roster in the MLB, chalked full of veteran talent, held a 7 game lead over the Philadelphia Phillies with 17 games left to play in the regular season! All they needed to do was to play 500 ball and they would have easily secured a playoff berth. Instead, the Mets imploded in on themselves. They got cocky; Manager Willie Randolph is now famously (and ironically) quoted s saying that “When we sip champagne later on, it’ll be a little sweeter.” They are now a team in shambles, with all the money spent on all the veteran talent quite literally going right down the drain.
These are not the only instances of great sociological stories in sports. The 2006 New York Giants making the Playoffs is a perfect example of a team getting something they completely did not deserve, while hardworking and generally talented and deserving teams like the Green Bay packers caught the raw end of the deal. However, The Giants subsequent first round loss to the Philadelphia Eagles serves as a pretty good example of a team getting exactly what they deserve (in the negative sense). Steve Nash and the Phoenix Sun’s constant rivalry with Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs is the classic David versus Goliath, Good versus evil scenario.
I think as a society, we are a group of people who look to different mediums to explain “the Big Picture.” We are constantly looking for outward visualizations of our inward consciousness. This is fact is not debatable, or else pop-music and movies and television would not exist. Anything that expresses any kind of genuine emotion is certainly more than entertainment. I just happen to think that Professional Sports may be the best way to outwardly express everything that is going on in the world. I know for a fact that when Hank Aaron began to chase down the Babe’s All-Time Homerun record he wasn’t on a mission of symbolizing triumph under turmoil (especially with racial tensions), but that doesn’t mean we can simply negate the significance of any and every great moment in Sports history. Figuring out what these moments in Professional Sports mean is not some kind of rocket science; it is merely social awareness.
This is why I do not trust anyone who says they hate sports. Or perhaps I just think about this stuff way too much.
Probably the latter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1) There is a fine line between “modeling” and the people you see in Target Catalogs.
Obviously, I am talking about Tyra Banks and etc here.
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