on Steroids and HGH

There is an ongoing conversation in all of Professional Spots that will never, ever, go away: the use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Marion Jones just plead guilty to the use of steroids and returned her 5 gold medals. Shawn Meriman was suspended for four games during the 2006 NFL season for testing positive for steroids (but was allowed to play in the Pro-Bowl, for some reason). Anyone with half a brain is pretty certain that Barry Bonds was juicing during most of his career, and whoever the fuck Floyd Landis is got stripped of some jersey award thing for biking across France, or something. Essentially, every great monument and record and achievement in sports history is now under a giant asterisk. We can never be certain who is on steroids and who is not, so assholes like Jay Mariotti and myself will always assume that when any great batter puts up record setting numbers, or some quarterback has a career year, they somehow did it in a disingenuous way.

What makes this issue even worse is that as testing become mandatory for professional sports, new forms of getting an edge start to show up. When baseball began testing for steroids, Human Growth Hormones became the hot commodity. Once pro sports find a way to combat that, some new form of inhuman body growth will show up. This is an uphill battle that will never be won, which is very sad for the honest and genuine players who work and train hard, but are simply left in the dust of those willing to cut corners to get a bigger edge.

There is only one way to combat this, and the answer is simple: make steroids and HGH mandatory for every sport. All of ‘em. Even soccer.

I don’t drink or do any drugs. This often inhibits my ability to have a good time in a social situation, simply because my brain is not numbed by substances. Always being sober means that things that are only fun when drunk or otherwise intoxicated simply suck all the time. However, this is the life I have chosen for myself, and therefore can never rightfully bitch about having a dull time when at some shitty party or bar. This is exactly how I feel about sports players who complain about the use of steroids honoring dirty players while hardworking genuine players are left in the dust. Nobody is forcing you not to take them. If you feel everyone has an unfair advantage, well, then, catch up mon ami.

The problem is that steroids and illegal performance enhancing drugs are never going anywhere. The only way to level the playing field is to make that shit mandatory. I say if you are caught without and steroids or HGH in your bloodstream, then you are suspended for half the season and docked serious pay. Think about it: pitchers would be throwing 115 mile an hour fastballs and sinkers the borrow into home-plate. Kickers would be kicking 75+ yard field goals. It would be like living in a world where being fucked up or otherwise intoxicated was the law; It would just be one giant fucking party.

So throw out the rule books. Give Marion Jones her medals back for whatever dumb track and field event she won five Gold Medals in the Olympics for. Embrace Barry Bonds and Mark MacGuire and Sammy Sosa. I want to see pitchers with fastballs that will knock catchers on their asses. I want to see home-run balls that fly into new zip codes. I want leadoff batters to knock 50 home runs and steal 50 plus basses (before the all-star break!). I want to see 95 yard touchdown passes and linebackers that decapitate quarterbacks. I want the Joey Haringtons of the world to not suck. I want Steve fucking Nash to slam dunk from beyond the three-point line. I want soccer to fucking be interesting to watch.

All professional sports owe it to their fans and their viewers to present the most entertaining and fair game possible. This is the only way to make both of these a reality.

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t it be fucking cool to see Nash slam one from just short of half-court?